Diagnosing Mild Telephonophobia

By Kathryn M. D'Imperio

It’s not a matter of “he loves you, he loves you not,” but rather an aversion to the telephone!

You met the most adorable guy last week and still can’t get over the fact that you’ve got a date lined up with him for next Saturday. He’s cute, funny and such a gentleman. The catch? You met him a week ago and he hasn’t called you once. Not wanting to be pushy or over-eager, you sit back and wait for his call…minute after excruciating minute.

Before you get yourself wound up in a tizzy when your new love interest doesn’t call, relax and consider all the factors playing into your relationship. How your new partner feels about you is not necessarily contingent on how often or how soon he dials your digits. Working from the ground up in a new relationship, you’ve got some ground to cover before you are both comfortable calling each other at all hours of the night. Ask yourself a few simple questions before you worry about the other’s feelings for you, and whatever you do, don’t base your perceptions about the relationship on how soon your phone rings!

How long have you known each other?
Many men and women embarking upon new relationships follow the unwritten rule of not calling the other person too soon for fear of rejection and for fear of seeming desperate. One would not want to seem anymore eager than he or she would like to seem disinterested. However, calling too soon or too often - and likewise, too delayed or less often - in a budding relationship can sometimes send the wrong vibe. Before going into panic mode, consider a few additional factors….

Where and when did you meet?
Have you gone on a true “first date” yet? If the answer is no, and the two of you met barside pushing 2 a.m. on a Friday or Saturday night, you may wish to reassess the situation and its worth. On the other hand, if you met within the past month, went on a first date a week ago and you haven’t heard anything recently, no rule dictates that you must wait for the other person to call you. If you have their phone number in your possession, put a call through and see when you can next plan to get together. Modern men seem to like when women take the initiative, and especially when they take a playfully aggressive stance in the relationship.

Did he request your digits, or did you instigate the transaction? If your new guy seemed completely interested but did not make the move to ask for your phone number, it is possible that he’s a bit shy on the phone. If he did ask for your digits, you can bet he will call…eventually. Just give him time, wait and see, and if you don’t hear anything, realize it is his loss for not taking a chance.

Once you’ve narrowed things down to determine if he is the shy type, the Casanova type or the general all-around good guy, your anxiousness should subside a bit as you realize his phone call is not a life or death matter. If you do eventually discover that your new beau has a phone phobia, be understanding and help him by finding ways to keep in touch sans the tele.

To make things easier on you both and the relationship, try to utilize as many forms of communication as you can except for the phone. Send emails, text messages, instant messages, cards and letters through the mail and plan to see each other when you can. As he becomes more comfortable with you, consider the following ideas, which should help him ease into a conversing mood…

Start out with very short, meaningful conversations. Try to save the in-depth, getting-to-know-you conversations for candlelit dinners, coffee dates and trips to the ice cream parlor. Even a short five or ten minute conversation is a good start. Find out how his day was, attempt to make plans and wish him a good night’s sleep. There’ll be plenty to talk about come morning.

Try not to get bent out of shape if he is eager to get off the telephone. Just because he is uncomfortable talking on the phone doesn’t mean he likes you any less. Take things at a slow pace and see where he takes the conversation. If he’s a quiet one, ask him simple questions about his likes – music and bands, desserts, movies and TV shows…. Finally, try to make plans to see each other for a meal or a nice evening out before you let him off the hook.

Find his comfort zones and work them into your conversation. What does he enjoy? If your new guy likes sports, get him talking about his favorite team. If he has an unusual hobby, ask him to explain it to you. Anything that can take his mind off of the anxiety he is feeling will help you to work through his discomfort, and hopefully, he’ll become much more comfortable when speaking on the phone with you.

Do what you can to avoid awkward silences. Those vacant moments on the phone where you both pause for seconds on end, only to pipe up at the same instant – more than likely, those exact moments fall into his fear of the phone. Try to keep a few questions in the back of your mind so you can gently push away any uncomfortable moments that creep into your conversation.

Be understanding. While speaking on the phone may never have posed a problem for you, some folks find it absolutely terrifying. Take into consideration that you’ve just met and he could, in time, relax and open up to you. Also bear in mind that he just might not be a “phone guy.” Some guys spend all day on the phone at work, and the last thing they want to look at when they get home is a telephone. Some guys may become so involved in their hobbies and extracurricular interests that calling you slips their mind until it’s pushing 11 p.m., a bit too late to call a new acquaintance most times. And we all know the guy who enjoys sports so much that he stays glued to the television until it gently lulls him to sleep before he had the chance to call.

As ridiculous as it sounds, Telephonophobia does exist in the modern world as a clinical condition involving an abnormal and ongoing fear of telephones. Most people who dislike the phone do not suffer from such a condition, but more likely a shyness or mild form of anxiety. Telephones serve a wonderful purpose, but some people may have slight amounts of discomfort in using them. Speaking with others on the telephone can become very intimidating, especially when two people have just recently met.

Cut your new sweetie some slack and relax as you wait for that phone to ring. Leave your phone alone and try to distract yourself. Run some errands, make some plans with your family or your girlfriends and do whatever you can to not sit by the phone awaiting its jingle.
By not being 100 percent available 100 percent of the time, you are just that much more irresistible!